Gifts and Curses
by Jessalyn-Laine
Summary: I see your face with every punch I take and every bone I break, it's all for you.


A.N: This fic is based on the song _Gifts and Curses_ by Yellowcard. It was originally written for the _Spiderman_ soundtrack. It's supposed to be from Peter (Spiderman) to Mary Jane. I think it's perfect for John to Mary so I wrote this to be what John says to Mary each time he visited her grave over the years. I took the part about staying with Mike and Kate straight from John's journal on the official Supernatural website.

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, the Supernatural official website or _Gifts and Curses_ and I am making no money from writing this.

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_Mary belongs to the words of a song.  
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.  
But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore.  
Why did I say all those things before? I was sure._

Mary. Oh God, Mary. How am I supposed to go on without you? You were my world. You and Dean and little Sammy were all I have. How am I supposed to raise the boys without you? How are they supposed to live without their mother? How can I go on knowing that you were violently ripped away from me leaving my arms barren and cold? My sweet, wonderful, beautiful Mary. Why? Why did it have to be you? Why didn't I die?

_(She is the one), but I have a purpose,  
(she is the one), and I have to fight this,  
(she is the one), a villain I can't knock down._

I talked to a woman named Missouri today. She told me what really happened to you. How could I have not known it before? I've been so lost without you. I've been staying with Mike and Kate wandering around with no purpose. No reason to live. Our boys are the only reason I have not yet gone to join you: wherever you are. Some days it seems that not even the boys are enough to keep me around. It's those days that I stock up on Cuervo and get drunk. I can't go on with out you, Mary. Even now, knowing that you were taken from me by a, a _beast_, a monster, a thing to be killed and burned just as you were.

_I see your face with every punch I take,  
and every bone I break, it's all for you.  
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,  
still I will always fight on for you. _

For five years now I have been hunting your killer. Dean is becoming quite the hunter. Even at nine he is fast and smart. Sammy is growing up so big. He is beautiful, he looks just like you. He is getting pretty good at hunting as well. I know you wouldn't approve of how I am raising them, but I have to find it. I have to find it and kill it. God help anything that gets in our way.

_Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,  
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.  
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.  
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know? _

Every time we survive a fight - every time we all make it out okay – I know you're watching out for us. Sam left. He went to college. As much as I hate having him away from me I am so proud of him. I know you would have been, too. I hate having him so far from me. I can't watch out for him as much. I know Sam's leaving hit Dean hard. All his life Dean has been looking out for and protecting Sammy. That's been his purpose as much as avenging you has been mine. I know you'll watch out for him though. After all, Sammy is still and will always be your baby boy. Keep him safe for me. Keep him safe and happy and loved. That's all I ever wanted for him. It's not easy for me to do that and I know he think I don't care about him, but I love him more than he will ever know. I just worry.

_(She is the one), all that I wanted,  
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,  
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now._

I am so close, Mary. So close to finding it that I can almost taste it. I sent Dean away. He isn't ready to find out what it is that took you from us. Not yet anyway. He and Sam are traveling together. I'm sure you know this but Sam's girlfriend was murdered by the same _thing_ that killed you, the same _monster_. I hope you're still looking out for them. You and Jessica. Those boys need all the protection they can get. Especially when they find out what it is we've been looking for for the last twenty-two years. It will crush them. I have to find the strength to tell them. I let them help and let them finally know what killed you. But until then...

_I see your face with every punch I take,  
and every bone I break, it's all for you.  
And my worst pains are words I cannot say;  
Still I will always fight on for you. Fight on for you ..._

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Thank you for reading. Please review and tell me what you think. 


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